Hello?
Yes, this is Startech, a division of the Brabus Group. How may I direct your call?
Well, I'm an impossibility rich banker who fancies a Range Rover, but doesn't want to be bothered with such things as good taste or sanity. Is there anything you can do for me?
Why yes, as it happens we have just introduced a new product, based on the Range Rover.
Great. Is it horribly visually offensive?
Oh yes, we only use the finest disgusting wide-body body kit with genuine carbon-fibre highlights, and 23-inch forged alloy wheels that will make you look like Kanye's best friend.
I am already. What kind of performance are we talking about?
Well, we boost the 5.0-litre supercharged V8 engine to 526hp, which should get you to 62mph in about 5.3 seconds. Top speed is limited to 155mph. There's a sports exhaust to make sure you sound as stupid as you look, and we can even drop the standard air suspension by an extra 30mm - you know, to make one of the best off-road vehicles in the world totally useless off road.
I don't know. It's still not sounding quite tasteless enough for me...
Did I mention that it's a pickup truck conversion, and that we've painted it fire-engine red?
Sold! I'll send round a solid gold cheque right now...
That'll do nicely, sir.
Neil Briscoe - 20 Apr 2015